School attendance

It is important to remember that it is entirely normal for children and young people to feel worried about school from time-to-time. However, for some children these negative feelings or anxiety about school build up, which can result in them being reluctant to go to school. This is also known as emotionally-based school non-attendance.  

Avoiding school becomes a coping strategy for them. Where ‘fight or flight’ is a common way for dealing with a ‘threat’, avoidance of school can be seen as ‘flight’. 

It is very important to try and help children and young people overcome these difficulties early. It’s really important you speak to your child’s school so you can work in partnership to address the issue. 

Children and young people who are worried about attending school are not all the same – every child and their situation is unique. There may be just one reason or a number of factors related to school, home or within child factors, which are impacting on the child’s attendance. 

Some examples could be to do with: 

• social factors – feeling different, friendships, bullying, isolation and loneliness
• learning - fear of failure, low motivation, lack of aspirations for the future, exam pressure, low-self-esteem and confidence and concerns about transitioning from primary to secondary 
• health anxiety - fear of being ill, difficulties coping with physiological effects of being in school, for example, sensory sensitivities 
• issues outside of school – bereavement, divorce, stress in the family, being a young carer or separation from a family member 

Sometimes worries can build up until they feel too much for a child or young person. They may display the following: 

• Expression of negative feelings at the thought of going to school, as well reduced motivation and engagement in learning tasks
• Fearfulness, meltdowns, changes in behaviour and mood. They may feel like they’re in danger, even when there’s no real danger around. 
• They may complain of physical signs of stress such as stomach ache, sickness, headache and a sore throat
• They may complain of anxiety symptoms that include a racing heart, shaking, sweating, difficulty breathing, butterflies in the tummy and nausea 

If your child is worried about going to school, it is important to address the problem early. It is important to consider the individual needs of your child and their situation.  

These activities may help: 

• Be sympathetic, supportive and understanding of their perspective and acknowledge that their fears are real to them
• Identify what is causing any worries through asking them specific questions, for example, what three things are you most worried about  
• Sometimes children find it difficult to express their feelings face to face, so you could ask them to write it down, text or draw
• Help them find things they can enjoy in the school day, for example, favourite subject, playing with their friends at break-time or a specific teacher
• Devise a step-by-step plan, identifying a clear goal and work out a series of gradual steps to build up to this
• Celebrate and notice small achievements such as getting out of bed at the right time and getting their belongings ready the night before school
• Increase social contact and any enjoyable activities which can build confidence and lift low mood, for example, seeing friends and clubs
• Encourage them to do some regular exercise as this can reduce the levels of stress hormones
• Learn relaxation techniques such as mindfulness and practice deep breathing exercises daily
• Support with good sleeping habits, for example, calm bedtime routines and make sure there is reduced screen time in the evening
• Make sure your child eats regularly and has a healthy diet, for example, not eating too much sugar or caffeinated drinks 

It is also important to remember that progress isn’t always linear. If your child finds it difficult to go to school on one day, keep an optimistic approach and start again the next day. 

A good place to start is to encourage your child to be a ‘thought detective’ which is based on principles from cognitive behavioural therapy. 

You can do this by encouraging your child to use the mnemonic of the ‘The Three C’s’:  

• Catch it – ask your child to think of one worried thought, for example, can you tell me one thing you are worried about? What do you least like about going school? If you have one wish, what would you change?  
• Check it – next ask them to collect some evidence to support this thought, for example, what is the evidence that this true? What is the evidence that this is not true? 
• Change it – get them to think about the evidence and consider if the worry is true, for example, on balance what do you think about that worry now? Is there an alternative way to think about the problem? 

Your child is shaking. They are holding their chest because they can’t breathe. Their breathing is getting heavier and heavier. When your child is feeling very anxious or stressed like this, the most important thing you can do in the moment is to help them calm down and relax. Talk in a calm voice and reassure them that they are ok and experiencing symptoms of anxiety. 

There are lots of different calming techniques you can use, which will mean it may require some trial and error. It’s important to build up a ‘personalised toolbox’ of coping skills.  

Here are some strategies that you can try: 

• Physical touch – a long hug can give reassurance in the moment to a child, releasing feel-good hormones which are called oxytocin
• Breathe slowly and deeply together – get them to inhale slowly for 2-5 seconds through their nose, hold for another 2-5 seconds and exhale through their mouth slowly
• Mindfulness – the ‘Body Scan’ is a simple exercise which encourages your child to be present in the moment. Start by having your child lie on their back and close their eyes. Tell them to tense all their muscles in their body as tight as they can. Tell them to start with their feet, squeezing their toes, then encourage them to move slowly up through the rest of their body into their legs, knees, stomach and all the way up to their eyes. Guide them step-by-step through this process. 
• Writing down worries and then tearing them up and throwing them away, can symbolically help to throw away any negative thoughts in the moments
• Distraction techniques – watch a favourite show or something funny on YouTube, play a game, sing a song, talk about a fun event coming up, take a shower or have a cold drink, or do a physical activity like jumping on the spot or on a trampoline 

It can be really difficult to see your child unhappy or anxious. Your wellbeing is important so make sure you have someone to talk too and remember to look after yourself.  

It is important to speak to someone at school about any concerns you have, but you can find some examples of further information and resources below. 

• Young Minds - Specific advice around school anxiety
• Not Fine in School - Parent and carer led organisation offering information and practical resources for families of children struggling with school
• Starving the Anxiety Gremlin by Kate Collins-Donnelly  - A cognitive behavioural Therapy Workbook that is a helpful way for a young child (age 5-9) to understand what anxiety is and work through how to get their anxiety under control
• The Huge Back of Worries by Frank Rodgers  - A reassuring picture book encouraging children (age 4-8) to open up about their fears and anxieties to help manage their feelings
• Think Good, Feel Good by Paul Stallard  - A practical resource in print and online with a range of activities and worksheets. The book contains 10 modules that can be worked through as a complete programme or sections can be adapted for individual use.